Surviving the Holidays

The company buy out happened and we are now all officially employees of the new company.  It is a WAAAAAY better company to be working for... the shitty part is going to be waiting 6 months (which is actually closer to 10 months after all the company policies are adhered to) for my insurance...

I did get approved for the county social services health program and I have my first appointment with my new doctor on the 11th of January... don't ask me who it is or how good this person may be because I have no idea.... and I won't know until I get there...

I went to the new company's Christmas party.... I was not surprised at all there was nothing I could eat on the dinner buffet... except for some scrumptious strawberries, which The Best Boy Friend in the World!! kept me well stocked with. My boss kept asking if there was anything like maybe a vegetarian dish. The previously mentioned awesome Boyfriend was a real prince. He took it upon himself to answer all the questions. He knows how hard it is getting for me and he does an amazing job of taking the heat off when he can.

At least it was an open bar... unfortunately I think the bartenders were watering down the drinks.... I was shooting for at least happily drunk and didn't even get annoying buzzed. Bah Hum Bug....

We had another pot luck for our clients and I made a dish that I could eat... but it was untested and wasn't as flavorful as I would have liked.... Of course my friend made her damn near sinful thai curry... and with the coconut milk it I couldn't have any... *sigh* I got to watch everyone else gorge on pizza, and crab dip and curry... I had three rather bland chicken sandwiches...I did splurge a bit at the end of the evening.... I had 2 cherry cordials... only 3.5 grams of fat... almost a whole meals worth... LOL

Of course everyone kept asking me if I had tried this or that... or was I going to have any cake.. or had I eaten any of those divine chocolate covered cookies.  Would I like one of these sandwiches.. they're very good. I should try this dip its amazing. I just retreated from the food area and concentrated on making sure there was enough coffee. I began to avoid the room full of food like it was full of angry, hungry zombies. I could feel the vacant smile on my face when everyone started talking about how full they were and what a wonderful spread there was. I'm finding it very hard not to yell at people... "SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! EVERYONE PLEASE JUST EAT THE GODDAMNED FOOD AND STOP TALKING ABOUT IT LIKE IT WAS SENT DOWN FROM MOUNT MOTHER-FUCKING OLYMPUS!!!!"

ahem

I look like this every day

I lead a very sad culinary life these days... its no wonder I'm depressed half the time.

I am surrounded by Christmas cheer and half the time I just can't muster up the holiday joy to smile. I've been trying my best at the holiday parties but honestly its no fun to sit around nibbling on a fucking carrot stick when everyone else is enjoying red velvet cake.

On the up side however I discovered that my local grocery store carries a fat free imitation crab... I've been gorging on it. I'm ridiculously emotionally attached to it... if I don't have at least a little every day I get sad. I seriously need to get this damn surgery done.

Its Tough

My Anniversary with The Best Boyfriend in the World!! is this weekend. He has big plans which include him cooking a nice uber low fat meal for us.

This makes me so happy and thrilled. He loves me. He loves me enough to do the research to create a nice meal that we can both enjoy.

But deep down inside there is a little part of me (the same part of me that is still hurt that when I was 9 Santa forgot to bring me the Barbie '57 Chevy even though that was the only thing on my list) that is terribly sad that we can't go out to eat at a nice restaurant. As a matter of fact in the days B.G.B.D. (Before GB-Day) I had planned on taking him to a restaurant that I have always wanted to go to. Its been repeatedly voted as the Most Romantic Restaurant in Vegas... but of course this is soooo no longer possible. It turns out that romantic food is FULL of fat.

Heh... Romance is Fattening

I also got news that this new company taking over isn't going to be offering any benefits to anyone until after a 6 month probationary period. meh..... its just another one of those things

Life has this seriously awful habit of kicking me off the ledge. Every time I scramble back up from the bottom, I get my fingers on the ledge and am just ready to pull myself up and then BAM! back down I go....

I finally got my "lady issues" taken care of and then BAM! Gallbladder goes kaplooey
I finally get a light at the end of my tunnel and BAM!! someone comes along and says "NO! you may not see it!"

I still have the open possibility of using the social services health care assistance... my only problem is this: Even if I do get on the program and then go through all the doctor's visits and other completely redundant things that doctors do to prep for scheduling my surgery... then we schedule it.... what happens if it is scheduled for after my 6 month probationary period and then I have company insurance? Will social services refuse to pay? Will the new insurance company require me to go back to square one and get diagnosed by one of their doctors before I can have the surgery? Will I end up in this strange state of flux were social services refuses to pay because I have company insurance and the company insurance denies the claim because it is an "elective" surgery?

and now... of all things....

I think that I am either suffering from depression pretty bad or my hormone levels are off...

no way to tell for sure because:

1. I can not afford the tests needed to rule out the hormones
2. I can not afford to see a licensed psychologist to get head meds if I need them

I cry all the time now... I try to cry alone but its pretty hard to do when the littlest things will make you cry. (ps totally tearing up while I write this because everything makes me sad). I am swinging pretty hard between being normal and being an emotional blubbering idiot.

Sad Kitty understands me

I wish I could be happier about the up coming holidays, but I just can't muster up the verve.

Thanksgiving Review

Ok... So I posted the recipes I was going to make for Thanksgiving... I ended up not using all of them and I ended up making more adjustments than originally planned so I am going to review each recipe.. for the links to the original recipes please visit the Thanksgiving Blog Post

Roasted Boneless Skinless Turkey Boobs - I halved the recipe and only made one boob. Also when I rolled it up to tie it up I spread some chopped rosemary,thyme and sage into the middle so that it cooked with herbs inside ~ I gotta say that I freaking love this recipe and The Best Boyfriend in the Whole World!! has asked that I make this again.

Here it is... it looks all fancy! I am so proud of this!

Mashed Potatoes - I ended up just whipping these up with a bit of skim milk to make them creamy. I let everyone add their own toppings ~ also the left overs went so fast over the weekend that I ended up making an entire other batch and as of this morning I still only have a single serving left

Stuffing Muffins - I was not happy with how these came out.... they did not come out looking like muffins at all and they were waaaay too dry ~ I will be trying this recipe again but this time I am adding more chicken stock and egg beaters and instead of cooking as individual muffins I'll cook the whole damn bunch in a 13x9 pan

Not happy with this result

Roasted Carrots and Parsnips - I nixed these all together because the mirepoix from the roasted turkey boob looked like it was going to be more than enough roasted veggies

Sweet Potato Casserole - I made one other substitution. Instead of using the one cup of apple cider I used the juice from the can of pineapples ~ there are no leftovers. And I was told by many people that it was the best damn sweet potato casserole they had ever had. I making more tonight because The Best Boyfriend in the Whole World!! wants more and I am going to use it in my Thanksgiving Shepherd's Pie (recipe to come on Friday)

You can't really see the ultimate tasty goodness but trust me... its there

Fat-Free Pie Crust & Fat Free Pumpkin Pie Filling  - I did not do either of these because although I said I would be handling it someone went ahead and brought three pies, none of which I could eat so instead I made up a cobbler-like Brandy Cherry Pie

Bonus Recipe Time!

Suzi Q's Uber Low Fat Brandy Cherry Pie Cobbler

guestimated fat grams per serving: not enough to bother your gallbladder or sensitivities

so eat the whole damn thing by yourself (but seriously like 1-2 grams)

Ingredients:

• 2 large cans of cherry pie filling (the kind with extra cherries)
• 2-4 shots of Meyers Dark Rum (or more if you like it especially rummy)
• half a box of low fat graham crackers (just get the plain ones no cinnamon!)
• some brown sugar (amounts explained later)
• some skim milk (amounts explained later)

Additional supplies:

• Food processor
• 8x8 baking dish or a pie pan
• One small child
• One grown adult

Directions: 

• Open both cans of cherry pie filling... scrape as much of the "cherry jello" as you can off the top of the can and feed it to the young child. 
• Pour both cans into a big-ish bowl and add the rum, mix it up and set it on the counter. (you're letting the pie filling marinate a bit while you make the crust
• Preheat the oven to 325
• Put half of the graham crackers in the food processor and pulse until coarsely chopped. Add in a handful of brown sugar and turn that food processor on... let it spin a few seconds and begin slowly adding a bit more brown sugar until the mixture is kinda crumbly (sorta like what you would see on top of a dutch apple pie) then begin SLOWLY dribbling in some skim milk until it forms a very loose dough. You DO NOT want it to look like pie crust dough.
• Pull that out and loosely pack it into the bottom of your selected baking dish. (if you pack it too tightly it becomes graham cracker cement and very hard to lick off later)
• Pour in the marinated cherry pie filling and give the bowl and spoon to an adult to lick clean **WARNING** this mix is still VERY alcoholic so do not feed it to the child (unless you're THAT kind of parent/grandparent/aunt/uncle/stranger)
• put the other half of the graham crackers in the food processor and pulse until coarsely chopped. Add in a hand full of brown sugar and turn that food processor on... let it spin a few seconds and begin slowly adding a bit more brown sugar until the mixture is kinda crumbly (sorta like what you would see on top of a dutch apple pie) *deja vu*
• now sprinkle this mixture over the top of the pie
• bake for 30 mins (to ensure that all the alcohol is baked out)
• Serve Hot or Cold, in a bowl or right out of the baking dish, with or without low-fat frozen yogurt, with spoon or your dirty little fingers
• make sure you lick every last yummly crumbly from the bottom of the dish....

Many thanks to The Best Boyfriend in the Whole World!! who took the pics and put up with me acting all crazy while I cooked and for dealing with the family drama that comes from kinda large gatherings of Irish people who have perhaps imbibed a bit tooo much.... 

Recipe of the week! - was yesterday!

I posted all of my Thanksgiving recipes yesterday so today is not going to be a recipe day... instead it is update day...

So a few months ago we found out that the three stations our little company operates were bought by a larger media firm. Everyone's warning lights have been going off ever since. Usually when a station gets sold they fire everyone change the format and carry on..

This time however is different. Our new owners have promised that initially nothing will change. We are fairly profitable for talk radio and they have never operated true talk radio before. They handle most of the ESPN channels here in the southwest (hint hint wink wink).

The official take over doesn't happen until December 1st. Since we have first heard about the ownership change we have been getting leaked info on what will happpen...

1. No one is getting fired or laid off. Some duties might change but everyone who is currently employed will stay that way
2. our sales force will increase. We have been woefully understaffed and will finally be fixing that
3. every employee who works 30+ hours a week is considered full time and will get a full benefits package, including health insurance and paid holidays...


Wait...

What?!

The previous owners only considered salaried and commissioned employees as full time. so basically only the station manager and the sales people had health insurance (hence the current status of my not having health insurance).

Now.... I work 32 hours a week currently... and very shortly (actually by the time you read this) I will have been bumped up to 40. So when the official take over happens... I'll be a full-time employee and will gain immediate health coverage.

Do you know what this means????!!!!!

Happy Fucking Dance!!!!

 I will very shortly be getting my surgery done!

Just as soon as I figure out how to get the new insurance to pay for it. I don't know what the coverage is going to be like. There maybe hoops and red tape involved, but I am so damned close to going back to being normal and not being terrified of my food that I don't care. I will do anything to get this damned thing outta me! I am soooooooooooo tired of checking the back of everything. Trying to calculate the number of fat grams in each and every meal I ingest!

I will be sooo glad when this is all over. I will of course no longer be eating this stupid diet but realistically I know that I can't eat at the Heart Attack Grill anymore either. I figure that after my surgery I'll stay on my uber low fat diet for 6 weeks or so... give my innards time to heal and adjust.

Then I am just going to go on a regular low-fat diet. This usually means 10 grams of fat or less per meal, which is currently twice what I am eating now. I have heard that I can also partake in the occasional fatty meal but be prepared for the consequences. We shall see.

I will of course be continuing this journal of my journey... How can I not? 

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Today I am posting links to all of the dishes I plan on making.... if I made any adjustments I noted them after the link

Roasted Boneless Skinless Turkey Boobs - I am not going to use quite that much parsley... instead I'll make an herb sprinkle with thyme, rosemary, sage and parsley and sprinkle it lightly over the turkey boobs. Also, I will be adding sprigs of thyme, rosemary and sage to the mirepoix. I will serve the mirepoix as an extra side dish.

Mashed Potatoes - No changes... Except I am going to triple the recipe since we are anticipating a shit ton of people

Stuffing Muffins - I will not use the canola oil to saute the veggies and such... instead I will spray the pan lightly with my handy olive oil spray and then do a light spray on top of the veggies and such. and I make my own bread cubes using this method and my fave low fat whole wheat bread: Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Cut bread slices into 1/2" cubes and place in two 13x9" baking pans. Toast bread cubes at 300 degrees for 45 minutes, or until toasted, stirring occasionally. Remove from oven and cool slightly. - I plan on making these the night before and then just reheating them in the oven while I toast the marshmallows on the sweet potato casserole.

Roasted Carrots and Parsnips - I will not toss them with the oil... instead (as usual) I will spray them lightly with my olive oil spray and then toss them with the herbs

Sweet Potato Casserole - I will substitute the apples for canned pineapple chunks (drained) and at the end of the baking I will put mini marshmallows (naturally fat free) on top and bake again until they are brown and crispy on top.

Fat-Free Pie Crust

Fat Free Pumpkin Pie Filling - I'll be using this filling but the above mentioned crust

I will also be using the above crust to make make my Brandy Cherry pie which is a secret recipe that I will only give you upon my deathbed... or maybe next week... 

I will likely also make a ton of my fat free snacks to tide people over while they sniff my glorious cooking. 

I am the Queen of having everything done at the same time. I pride myself on being able to maximize my time and cooking arrangements so that everything comes out of the oven, off of the stove and hits the table top all at the same time. Nothing is getting cold by the time everyone sits down. Don't ask me how I do it. I honestly have no idea. Its an instinct I think.

I try very hard to do all my baking the day before... Baked items can be easily warmed up while you set the table. Except for the pies. They are prepped the day before and put in the fridge. My pies all start baking as soon I sit down to eat... by the time everyone is done and has let dinner settle the pies are out of the oven and have cooled to an eating temperature. While the pies are cooling I am mulling the apple cider for the kiddies and the wine for the non-kiddies. And there is ALWAYS a pot of coffee ready and available.

The Best Boyfriend in the Whole World! is going to be shooting pictures while I do everything so that I can post the pics of my dishes... and if he's quick he'll get a shot of the buffet before everyone digs in.

Trying to Explain it to People Part 3 - Co-Workers

I work in Radio.. I love love love love my job... I get the awesome privilege of working on all three sides of Radio.

1. Admin - I am the Executive Admin Assistant in the office and I handle the traffic (not like how the freeway is doing, but the air traffic... what commercials are we going to play and when)
2. Operations - I sit behind the sound board every morning from 9am to noon and I operate said sound board to ensure that each show runs smoothly. Some people call me a producer, some people call me the sound girl. I prefer Audio Engineer... I am most famous for finding the most obscure songs/sound effects to play for a show
3. Talent! - Every Sunday night from 7pm to 10pm I sit on the other side of the board with a pair of headphones and a mic. I am a radio talk show host. its a TON of fun.

Actually all of it is fun! Talk radio is making a BIG comeback (thank you podcasters!) and I am enjoying the ride.

We have some very serious traditions in the office. And they all involve food.... Once a month the boss buys everyone hot dogs. We have a Wienerschnitzel right down the street so she sends someone out to pick up a ton of hot dogs and we all sit around and make very bad wiener jokes while we eat mustard dogs and chilli dogs. :-( It was my favorite since I have about a thousand alternative names for a wiener....

Yes I do!

Sometimes the boss buys pizza and we all sit around and make fun of the guy who hates cheese but loves pizza.

Sometimes the boss buys bagels and we all stand in the kitchen and chit chat over the one two-slice toaster we have while waiting our turn to toast our bagel. The sales guy makes fun of me and the boss for liking lox.

All of these traditions are sacred and dear.... the first few times one of these happened the boss would come into my office and ask why I wasn't in the conference room making bad wiener jokes. After the second or third time of being polite and reminding her of my new dietary restrictions she began to remember.

Now they sneak the food in past my office (which is hard to do since both the front door and the conference room are directly across from my office) or they go sit in the boss's office to eat. She says its because she doesn't want to eat in front of me. I have repeatedly told her that it doesn't bother me... it would be like a Jew going to a Christmas Party and then getting upset when they serve ham.

Please note that we often make lots of bad Jew Jokes. This is because the boss is a jew and she starts it... always

So.... it wasn't hard to get the co-workers on the program. And of course now everyone enjoys watching me suffer through my daily soup. Monday through Friday at noon... I eat soup. Cries of "Soup's on!" and "It's another exciting episode of SOUP!" can be heard echoing the halls.

They get me... really they do!

But I do miss sitting around a greasy pie and talking smack about our competitor and the crazy talent.

Prepping for Thanksgiving

Happy Damn-near Thanksgiving

Gobble Gobble

Generally speaking I cook the Thanksgiving meal every year. With the odd exception of when I was in the Army or when my mom or sister gets a wild hair up their butts. But even in the case of my mom or my sister I end up sitting at the dinning room table answering all their questions about how to do what and then eventually I get roped into cooking a vast majority of the sides and basting the turkey. so... You know... even though I don't take the credit for those years I still end up putting most of the sweat equity into the dinner.

This year My mom had planned on doing everything right up until GB-day and I put a halt to that. She is still going to be doing the meat. She wants to smoke a turkey, a chicken and a ham. God knows where all the people are going to come from to eat all that damn meat.... maybe we'll be feeding the homeless too.... I tried to talk her out of doing the turkey but she insisted.

Rule number one.... when a meat is smoked and is still juicy that's because all the fat from the outside of the meat is now INSIDE the meat.... smoked turkey is WAY higher in fat than roasted turkey. And turkey with the skin on it is a sure fire way to trigger a gallbladder attack.

Needless to say I am going to be making my own little turkey boob that I plan on sharing with NOONE. I get to be selfish.... Its my right!

The Evil Olive

Aside from the meat there are all the sides that must be dealt with. I told everyone that I will be handling all of the sides. No questions asked. I don't trust them. Sorry but I don't. Since we are going to be having Thanksgiving out at our ranch (where we grow cactus and pheasant) and the nearest hospital is over an hour away, I do not want to risk having an attack because some asshat forgot and used real butter or whole milk in something. So.... I am in charge of ALL the side dishes.

Except the relish tray... I put The World's Best Boyfriend Ever! in charge of the relish tray. I think I can trust him to keep the evil olives away from my glorious pickles.

Recipe of the Week

Reviews! First let me review some recipes I have posted before and the variations I have tried

My Sister came over for sappy movie night and I offered to make pizza (we used to order pizza but this is no longer possible). For all three of these pizzas I used the Fat-free pizza dough recipe from a couple of weeks ago
Cheese and Peperoni - According to the 7 year old and the 25 year old this was uber extra super yummy
Peperoni, onions, green peppers and cheese - again yummy (according to the those who can eat fat)
Uber Lean Ground Beef, Onions, Green Peppers and so much sauce it dripped - fucking yumm-o and it comes with the Gallbladder Seal of Approval. 

Crunchy Chickpeas
This week I tried making the Cinnamon Sugar variety... it left something to be desired... like maybe some cinnabon frosting. It was ultimately OK. but I still want to try chipotle lime and I want to see if I can make some fat-free faux Ranch Corn nuts and instead use the chick peas.... hmmmm I'll keep ya'll posted!

This week I am posting an original recipe. This is rare.... I usually just steal recipes. Not because I can't make something up but because it is much easier to let someone else spend all the money and time perfecting a yummy recipe. :-) I'm a lazy cook.

On my never ending quest to find snacks that will satisfy my chubby girl snacker gene I have tried a ton of recipes.

Roasted Chickpeas - Yummy!
Sweet Potato Chips - grrrrrr... I need a better mandolin

I love chips.... and I love dip. Salsa to be exact. Salsa requires a hardy chip, usually some sort of tortilla chip, and salsa is almost always fat free!

I recently found out that my store brand flour tortillas only have ONE gram of fat per tortilla.... if I want to pig out I can eat 4-5 of these stuffed full of non-fat fillers... So I began thinking.... what if I baked these bad boys into chips... I could practically eat a whole bag of chips and flavor them anyway I want.... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

That's my evil snacker cackle...

So here goes

Baked Flour Tortilla Chips

Ingredients:

• 1 pkg flour tortillas with less than or equal to 1 gram of fat per tortilla
• Spray on olive oil (store brand is fine)
• Your fave seasonings (for these I prefer a bit of fine sea salt and garlic powder)

Directions:

• Preheat the oven to 350°f
• Stack the tortillas 4 or 5 tall and cut them in half. Stack the halves on top of each other and cut these in half (now you have fourths). Now cut each stack in half again (now you have eighths). These are the perfect size for dipping into salsa or any of your other fave dipping sauces.
• Lay them out in a single layer on a large cookie sheet. Spray lightly with the olive oil. sprinkle your flavoring on. Be liberal or conservative... its all about YOU!
• Flip each triangle over and repeat (spray and sprinkle)
• Put the cookie sheet in the oven and set the timer to 5 minutes
• After 5 minutess flip the triangles and reset that timer to 5 minutes
• That's it! pull them out and let them cool on a plate. 
• Repeat all the above steps until you have done the whole package.
• You can store these in a paper bag (I use a lunch sack) or in a large tupperware. They never last longer than a day or two in my house but I am assuming you can store them for up to a week.

I have tried seasoning salt but they got too salty before they got too seasony. I am going to try Chilli-Lime by dipping each triangle in lime juice and think sprinkling on chilli powder. I also want to try Ranch... You spray the oil and then sprinkle on a packet of Ranch seasoning from the dressing aisle. I'll give you all an update on other flavors as I try them... right now though the salt and garlic powder is perfect. hmmm... I wonder how I would do BBQ flavored.....

Trying to Explain it to People Part 2 - Family

Have you ever had that one relative who has always had the exact same affliction that you do? Lets say you broke your toe... "Oh I did that two years ago... let me tell you how to deal with it..." Well.... My mom is kinda like that. Admittedly she has had her fair share of medical problems but they have all been temporary and treatable. (lets not mention that a HUGE percentage of them were/are avoidable but she is too stubborn to make minor changes in her lifestyle and so she ignores doctor's orders and then is ALWAYS SHOCKED when she ends up in the hospital and/or very sick)

ahem

Back to the topic of conversation. My family has a condition known as "I know better than you". They are very concerned for my welfare and my health, but they just don't think that I know what I am talking about most of the time. I'm not sure why this is. But it is. They don't take into account the HOURS every day that I spend researching my disease. They seem to tune out when I tell them that I have called every surgery center in a 100 mile radius. And they especially disdain any intelligent information that I present them with.

Here are some conversations I have had:
Mom: Is there any normal food you can eat?
Me: Not really. I have to be very careful with the total amount of fat I ingest.
Mom: Well I had gallstones but they went away... You haven't had an attack for a while maybe yours went away! (PS. mom has NEVER had gallstones and on the date in question when she says she was diagnosed with gallstones I was at the hospital with her. She was diagnosed with an overdose of potassium and a DVT in her right leg and they found a lump on one of her ovaries, but no gallstones)
Me: I just don't want to risk another big attack like the one that put me in the ER. Everything I have read about it says that once you have gallstones you will always have them. They don't go away.
Mom: Well mine did
Me: ok Mom.

************

Dad: Well why don't you go to mexico and have it taken out?
Me: I don't have a passport
Dad: Well get one!
Me: Dad I can't afford to spend the money on the passport and then the trip to Mexico and then pay for the surgery. I can barely pay for groceries every week.
Dad: Well I just don't understand why you can't just take a pill to make it better
Me: They have not found one that works very well yet and I have only really found one research center dedicated to researching new treatments for gallbladder disease. Kinda hard to get new meds when no one is looking for them.
Dad: hmmm well you could just go back to eating regularly and take pain pills if the pain gets too bad. You can get some good pain meds in Mexico for really cheap.
Me: *face palm*

************

Mom: Why can't you eat red meat?
Me: Because its REALLY high in fat. I can eat ground beef if it starts out as 95/5 and I cook the living bejesus out of it and then also blot all the grease out. But even then I can really only have that like once or twice a month. besides its like $6 per pound...
Mom: What about Bison? isn't that really low in fat?
Me: Lower than regular ground beef, but not lower than the uber lean ground beef. and its still rather expensive
Mom: well I think Bison is lower in fat and its only $4 per pound.
*I got to my fave fat checking site nutritionalvalue.org and checked it out*
Me: cool... well let me check it out *tap tap tap* 95/5 Ground beef is 5 grams of fat per serving. Ground Bison is 8.6 grams of fat
Mom: *nothing she just walked away*

************

Sister: I don't understand why *local catholic hospital* won't help you out. They let me make payments when I had my abscess lanced. (said abscess was behind her ear and the procedure was done in an exam room)
Me: I called and I talked to their financial people. They flat out refused to even talk about a payment plan or a hardship plan for my surgery. They told me the same thing every other surgery center I have called has said. Either get insurance or pay for it up front.
Sister: That just doesn't seem right. Aren't they like mandated by god to help people?
Me: I have no clue, but I do know that aren't looking to help me
Sister: I think you should call again. maybe you spoke to the wrong person.
Me: hmm maybe.. but I was pretty sure that the director of financial aid at the hospital was the right person to talk to.

************

I hate sounding like a condescending asshat. And most of these conversations end up with *insert family member here* being mad at me for being a Know-it-all. So in the month or so since the gallbladder attack from hell I have learned to just smile and nod when they start throwing out their cockamamie ideas and saying things like "Sounds great I'll look into it" or "Cool thanks for the info, I'll check it out". They get to walk away smuggly thinking that they have done their good deed for the day and I don't have to look like a know-it-all asshat.

 

I should get this shirt

 Luckily for me The Boy is only 7. He got it. I explained it to him once and he didn't question it.
The Boy: Mommy, why did you go to the hospital?
Me: Because my gallbladder is sick and it made me very sick
The Boy: Will your golfbladder get better?
Me: *chuckling* no honey but I can take special care of it so it doesn't make me so sick anymore
The Boy: ok Mommy. Take care of your golfbladder.
a few weeks later
The Boy: Mommy why can't you eat the pizza at my birfday party?
Me: Remember my gallbladder is sick, there are a lot things I can't eat anymore
The Boy: oh right, your golfbladder is sick *pause for dramatic effect* can you eat my cake that you made me?
Me: No honey I can't
The Boy: *gives me a big hug* I'm sorry your golfbladder is so sick mommy... *looks up at me with big innocent eyes* Can I have your piece of cake?

It looked something like this

Thank god my son is around to keep me sane. I also thank god for my Boyfriend. Instead of arguing with me that my research is bunk and he knows better (which he could arguably do because he is the smartest guy I know) He is helping me with my research. He's handling the research for finding case studies that I qualify for. He's awesome. They both are and I am very very lucky to have them both.

Exactly

Eating Out - Fat Free Style!

I have researched all of my favorite restaurants. And I have been thoroughly disappointed that 99% of the time my only uber low fat option (anything less than 5 grams per serving) is a dry salad. It is because of this that I have opted out of going out to eat anymore.

However before GB-Day I promised my son that if he did not have any behavior issues at school (talking out of turn, being a pest, etc) for one whole month that I would take him to Cici's Pizza. They have more than just pizza on the buffet. They have salad and pasta as well...

Since pasta with red sauce is generally low-fat and since a dry salad with no animal products (cheese or egg) is non-fat I figured I would eat a big salad and a bowl or two of pasta. Once we got there though I remembered that they have a policy that if there isn't a pizza on the line that you want they will make it for you... and they are even willing to customize it. So I immediately got out my handy dandy white iPhone 4s in its protective CaseMate commuter case and pulled up the nutrition info for Cici's... I found out something fun.... They're Veggie pizza is only 2 grams of fat per slice... I did some quick calculations and by leaving off the cheese and the olives (all olives are super high in fat) I could probably cut that down to 1 gram or maybe even 0.5 grams... BOOYA!!!

So I went up to the manager who happened to be working the line and I asked... "can I order a veggie pizza but with no cheese and no olives?" He says, "How many slices would you like me to deliver to your table?"

I immediately did a little happy dance in my head (because a grown ass chubby girl doing the happy dance in public is a little weird). About 10 mins later I had 2 glorious slices of pizza delivered to my table. ahhhhhh

So a GREAT BIG shout out to Cici's Pizza for having some uber low-fat options and for being awesome enough to take weird requests from customers.

PS if you forget to pack your fat free dressing in your hand bag (or if you're a dude in your man-purse) the trick to making a dry salad tasty is pepperoncinis. One small slice with each bite of salad helps kick up the flavor. Add anything you want to your base of leaves but keep clear of the cheese, eggs, and olives... all of these are way too high in fat and you can tend to go over board when putting them on a salad. Oh and if you can get a bit of the pepperoncini juice to sprinkle over your salad its a huge bonus!

The Savior of Dry Salads everywhere

Friday Is Recipe Day!

First let me review a couple of recipes that I have tried this week... first the review of last week's Recipe 

Fat Free Pizza Dough

Stolen from Here
Ingredients: I already had everything except the yeast and even if you had to buy everything from the store you aren't going to spend much more than $10.00 for it all.
Toppings: I used leftovers.. I had some left over uber low-fat taco meat, half an onion and half a sweet red pepper... I gotta say it was FUCKING YUMM-O (yes I am sure that Rachel Ray says this at home). NO CHEESE!!! I did not put any cheese on at all and the pizza did not suffer because of it.
Materials used: I used store brand everything except the yeast. I find that Fleischmann's is the best yeast for everything... no need to get the special pizza dough yeast or bread dough yeast... plain ole active dry yeast works just fine! I used the store brand pizza sauce because surprisingly it had half the fat of the name brands.
Prep and cooking: I followed the directions exactly and it came out perfect! I only got this one shot of the pizza... It was so good that it went fast....

I estimate this slice of pizza at 2 grams of total fat its probably less though.

Baked Sweet Potato Chips

I don't want to talk about it.... let's just say that unless you have a really good mandolin so that you can cut the slices REALLY thin then you should not try this recipe....

And now... I present you with this week's recipe:

Crunchy Chickpeas

Stolen from Here - I am totally in love with this blogger because she has the yummiest snack recipes.. and being a fatty I LOVE SNACKS... now I can still snack and be kind to my gallbladder too!

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 cups canned chickpeas, drained and rinsed
• Seasonings of your choice
  

Directions:

• Preheat oven to 400F.
• Combine all ingredients in a mixing bowl and mix well.
• Spray a baking sheet with canola oil and spread chickpeas out in a single layer. Bake, stirring every 15 minutes, until golden and crunchy, about 45-50 minutes.
•  Cool completely before serving.

Preparation time: 5 minute(s) | Cooking time: 45 minute(s)
Makes 6 servings. Per serving: 72 Calories (kcal); 1g Total Fat; (8% calories from fat); 3g Protein; 14g Carbohydrate; 0mg Cholesterol; 180mg Sodium; 3g Fiber. 

 I followed this recipe exactly. I used Creole Seasoning and Lawry's seasoned salt (mmmmm spicy). I checked the doneness of the chickpeas at each stirring... they were still a bit "not crunchy" after 30 mins.... at the 45 min mark I took them out of the oven and let them cool on the pan on the counter. Some of them came out a little extra crispy and some came out not quite crunchy but most of them came out perfect. I blame this on my possessed oven. It changes its own temp randomly and without warning... I think next time I will lower the temp to 350 and still do the 15min intervals. 

You might think that this takes a LONG time to get a snack, and I thought so too... but when you break it up in 15min segments its not so bad. Next time I try this recipe I am going buy an industrial sized can of chickpeas and try a couple of batches and a couple of flavors. I really wanna try Cinnamon Sugar and Chipotle Lime.

Trying to Explain it to People Part 1 - Social Gatherings

I hate walking around and talking about my medical problems... Mostly only my close friends (and now YOU) really know what is going on...

I have been avoiding social gatherings for this reason. You see you can't just show up to a party and expect the food being served to be appropriate for your diet. So if you are going to a party you have to bring your own food. Have you ever walked into a party carrying a lunch bag? its embarassing... and maybe the friend who invited me knows whats going on but all the other guests don't.

Strangely people get weirded out when you pull a bottle of fat free dressing out of your purse. They totally freak when you also pull out a snack pouch of tuna, a bag of salad, pretzels and a bottle of water. The questions begin hurling at you at lightening speed...

how I answer in my head

"Are you on a diet?"
"Don't you like my mom's cooking?"
"Are you some sort of health nut?"

I could answer all of these with  a simple "Yes" except that isn't true and I hate lying.

So I have tried to simplify it. "No, I have gallbladder disease and it restricts my diet"

The inevitable follow up is "oh.. Why don't you just have it removed?"

I take a deep breath and say "Unfortunately I do not have health insurance and I do not qualify for Medicaid. I have not yet found a surgeon or surgery center who will make payment arrangements with me so that I can have it done."

This inevitably leads to an hour long conversation about my disease and how I manage it and how much the health care system in America sucks great big hairy gallstones. I hate it. I love going to parties and I love having parties, but I hate that my gallbladder always becomes a topic of conversation.

I have tried to just avoid these social things but my friends keep dragging me out of my house by the hair on my head and threatening bodily harm if I don't show up. Also since most of these friends have kids usually these gatherings mean playtime for The Boy (my son). sigh... I can't really deny him anything.

I'm not sure if I am going to change my approach to it. I think the more I talk about it the more people will think about it. Maybe someone will talk to someone who will talk to someone who is a doctor. Then maybe that doctor will take pity on my chubby butt and offer to cover the cost of the surgery.

And maybe a unicorn will show up at my front door and fart rainbows.

Yep

Recipe of the Week!

OK... so from now on Friday is going to be recipe of the week day. I will post a recipe that I have either already tried or am planning on trying.

This week I am posting the recipe for a fat free pizza dough... I totally stole it from here. I am a HUGE pizza junky and the big thing I have been missing is a yummy pizza.... Most of the fat in a pizza is in the crust and cheese. I have not yet tried this recipe but its got a ton of great reviews. I am going to make it as listed in this recipe. you can make any substitutions you want... I'll give you my own review on it on Monday.

ok here goes:

Ingredients:

• 1/2-1 cup warm water
• 1 tablespoon yeast
• 1 teaspoon sugar
• 2 cups white flour
• 1/2 teaspoon salt

Directions:

• In a small bowl mix 1/4 cup of the warm water with the yeast and the sugar. Stir it well to try to dissolve the yeast and sugar. Let it sit for about 5 minutes or until it gets foamy.
• Meanwhile, in a food processor, combine the flour and salt. Pulse for about 5 seconds.
• When the yeast mixture is foamy add it to the flour and pulse for about 10 seconds.
• Turn the machine on. Start adding the remaining water a little at a time until the dough forms a ball.
• Once it forms a ball let it spin 25 times.
• Spray a cookie sheet with cooking spray. Put the ball of dough on top and cover it with a metal bowl you have sprayed with cooking spray. Let it sit there between 15 and 30 minutes depending on how much you want it to rise.
• Heat the oven to 425. When the dough is done rising, pat it out on your cookie sheet into the shape you want for your pizza.
• Take it out of the oven. You can top it immediately or let it sit depending on your need.
• Once you have topped it, the pizza will need about 15-20 minutes to cook, or until brown.

HAPPY HALOWEEN!!!

Today is Halloween! YAY! Enjoy the day and for all of my gallbladder disease sufferers please eat all the candy corn you want... IT"S FAT FREE!!! so are Red Vines and Nerds so have a ball and enjoy the candy!

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!

My EYE!!!!!!

So.... I spent the evening vomiting and moaning and begging for relief. My boy friend had noted in the middle of this ordeal that I seemed to have broken a few blood vessels in my eyes during the whole ordeal...

After I got home and slept for a few hours I got up and sent my mom to the store to get my Percocets. I went to the bath room and nearly fainted when I saw my face...

I was puffy and slightly yellow (due to the bile back up) and my eye... MY EYE!!!!!

EGAD!

It was awful! Horrible! I was totally freaked out by it! When my son got home later in the after noon he took one look and said "Mommy... your eye is gross" Gee thanks kid... it took almost twoo weeks for it to completely clear up. and during that whole time it turned many alarming shades of yellow and orange... I do work in radio but I am mostly the Executive assistant... so I have to talk to clients and personalities and I act as a receptionist and greet people at the front door.... Lucky for me My boss forbid me from coming in on Friday so I had a whole weekend to go from a solid red eyeball to a fall colored eyeball... Reds, Yellows, Oranges... it was very festive.

Most of my personal clients did not mention anything but our production director said... "you know at first I thought I was seeing things... but when I looked a second time I was like.. yuck"

>.<

seriously guys I know its awful....

here is what it looked like 8 days later:

Pretty colors

Mostly cleared up... like I said it was almost a week after this shot before there was no more noticeably red, yellow or orange streaks in my eye. I am glad to say that as of about five minutes ago my eyes look like this:

Crazy eyes!!!

 I did the crazy eye thing so you can really see my eyes.... ahhhh and its super funny and I am sooooo changing my facebook page header to this!! LMAO

GB-Day

The day is Wednesday October 3rd, 2012 its about 8:00pm. I have just finished a big ass salad that had three cheese ranch dressing and a sprinkle of Italian dressing. There were glorious Texas toast croutons and lots and lots of yummly veggies. I am now settling down to an evening whiskey. I don't do it often but occasionally I feel like some Tennessee honey on the rocks. That all too familiar pain begins to creep across the upper right of my back. It's insinuating itself around to my front. oooo I know what this means.

Immediately I am up and taking some Motrin. Out comes the heating pad. I call my BF to tell him that my gallbladder is beginning to act up again. He's very supportive and begins talking me through it. Eventually we both remember that we have a friend who recently went through GB problems. Maybe she has some tips to calming an angry Gallbladder.

I hang up with him and begin texting her. Her answer: "Have it taken out!!!" that is a direct quote.

We chat some more and come about 9:30 we say our good nights. The pain is seriously intensifying. its getting pretty bad. but so far nothing I can't handle with some lamaze breathing.

10:00: it was like a grandfather clock began chiming the hour... except instead of chimes it was vomit. My mom gets up at 10 every night to go to work. Just as she was coming out of her room I was pacing the hallway... but as soon as I said "good morning" I excused myself and began the hurried rush to the altar of barf.

By 11:00 I had called my boyfriend and begged him to come over and take care of me. If I was up barfing anymore I would need someone to drive my son to school in the morning. And I needed him to call my co-workers and find someone to cover my shift on the sound board at work in the morning.

12:00am I have thrown up again and thrown in the towel. The pain is now worse than when I was in labor and I have a constant stream of tears running down my face. I made the decision to go to the ER. The Most Amazeballs Boyfriend in The World got my son up and dressed and helped me down the stairs and into the car, he drove me to the ER.

When we arrived they got me a wheel chair and wheeled me right in. Lucky for me there was not a big crowd... it was Wednesday after all.  (or technically Thursday since it was after midnight). Immediately after I sign all the paperwork that says "sorry I'm poor and only work part time and don't have insurance but I absolutely promise to pay my bill" I ask for a barf bucket and begin throwing up again...

The trick to being seen immediately as a walk-in at the ER: begin throwing up in the middle of the waiting area.

They got me an anti-nausea pill. They offered a suppository if I thought the pill wouldn't stay down but I declined. It worked! I didn't throw up again until almost 5 am and that was because of my own stubbornness.

Most of the rest of the evening passed in flashes of bright pain followed by brief snatches of complete detachment.

*I have spent the last twenty years of my life studiously avoiding narcotics and opiates because of a series of bad reactions as a teen. I haven't taken anything stronger than a Motrin800 in those years. Not even cough syrup with codeine!*

I was given a shot of morphine and that helped about as much as throwing a baby aspirin down the gullet of an elephant with a headache, that is to say not much at all. It was followed by a shot of dilaudid. This helped a bit more...

I was experiencing my pain in waves. Apparently this is common. Your gallbladder is trying to evacuate and is contracting. If your bile is exceptionally sludgy or the bile duct is being partially or fully blocked by a gall stone then you will experience waves of extremely intense pain followed by brief periods of lesser but still intense pain. From experience I can tell you that it is like going through labor except the pain meter has been dialed up to 11! The combination of Dilaudid and Morphine where helping during the "down-time" I was able to breathe through that pain, but during the contractions I was a thrashing foul mouthed pain filled puppet.

During all of this my seriously fantastic BF called my sister and had her come get my son from the ER waiting room. He figured that the boy was going to need to sleep at some point and there wasn't much point in sending him to school after only a few hours of sleep. BF kept my mom, my sister and my co-workers updated and once my son was off with my sister he was by my side the rest of the night.

At some point I had blood drawn and an ultrasound of my GB. A nurse came in and gave me another pain shot in my ass. That one was completely useless since it did nothing for the pain and as a matter of fact it caused way more pain in my left butt-cheek than any pain killer has a right to cause! I don't know what time it was. No clue.

My sense of time left somewhere after the morphine shot and did not return until my alarm went off at 5:30am (when I usually get up for work).

I do know that at some point a doctor came in and told me that I had gall-stones but they were not causing a complete blockage so emergency surgery was not needed. I was in a ton of pain still so he ordered up another shot of dilaudid. By that time I had not had anything to drink since my whiskey and I was thoroughly parched. I was begging for water. they told me that water would only make me vomit again.. I told them I didn't care. so they gave me ice chips... I was sucking on these when they came in with the next shot of dilaudid.

They put that needle into my IV (they gave me an IV but no fluids.. I'm still confused on that one) and pushed the plunger down. The now familiar cold burn of the drugs entering my bloodstream spread through my arm. In a matter of moments I was pain free for the first time since 8:00 the previous evening. It was sometime near 4:00am. 8 hours of pain. 8 hours of misery. 8 hours of knowing I was going to die. I sat up and cried.

BF said he could see the relief wash over my face.

I was finally released with a prescription for percocet and a referral to the surgery center to have my gallbladder removed. The drive home was harrowing but I made it all the way back to my front porch before I threw up again. This time it was the dilaudid and the ice chips. My boyfriend was amazed that I even had anything left in me. I was too frankly. I don't think I ever digested even a bit of that damn salad...

Ouch... that hurts!

Two weeks go by and everything is going along swimmingly!

I have stopped bleeding and resumed my normal life. No more worrying about carrying and entire box of tampons with me everywhere I went. I was experiencing some serious hot flashes and fatigue but who the hell cares! I wasn't bleeding anymore!

Wednesday September 26th, 2012
approx. 9pm: The upper right side of my back started to hurt.
9:30pm: the pain is beginning to get worse and starting to wrap around to my front....
10:00pm: My mom is up and I am in some serious pain. I thought maybe if I had her pop my back it would be some relief. I couldn't even lay down on on my front so she could try
10:30pm: I call my BF and tell him what's going on. He's the smartest person I know so he should have an answer...
11:00pm: I have taken 4 motrin and am leaning on my heating pad. BF thinks it might be that I have pulled a muscle or strained it some how.
12:00am: the pain starts to subside and I finally get to sleep

Whew.... that was intense but nothing I couldn't handle with some motrin and a heating pad

Sunday September 30th, 2012
6:00pm: I am working on pre-show prep for my radio show. I start to notice that my upper right back is getting a little twingey (that's a technical term)
7:00pm: we go live and immediately my entire upper right side spreading down to just under my rib cage is on fire!
8:00pm: still on air and making it through our interviews... still in pain but it's intensity is rolling up and down (a lot like contractions do)
9:00pm: still on air and now I am clock watching... I never clock watch when I am on air. My co-hosts all think I might be having a gall bladder attack... or gas
10:00pm: Show is finally over... I zip home all the while trying to rip a nice big fart because if it is just gas I can hopefully relieve it that way. (also I am praying that I don't shit my pants on my way home but if I do its ok since I am the only one in the car)
11:00pm: after some more motrin and heating pad therapy pain is finally subsiding
12:00am: once again I am finally relieved enough to sleep

Again... intense but nothing I couldn't handle. I'm a tough broad. I have a very high threshold for pain and can put up with a lot more than most people.

Monday October 1st, 2012
I had my follow up with Dr. GreyGyno. I explained to him everything I was going through after having been on the hormones. I was constipated. I had a bad flare up of my eczema on my hands and feet. and then I described the odd pain that had happened twice...

He says "oh that's probably your gall bladder. Hormones will affect a gall bladder that is already having troubles and cause it to get sludgy. We're taking you down to half of the dose of hormones that you have been taking and that should help out quite a bit."

hmmm interesting. Being the research nut that I am I began researching a sludgy gall bladder... its an interesting read. But alas I felt like I was in the clear. It was just sludgy... dialing back my hormones would stop it. I would be just fine....

Ovaries are Under-rated

Quick Catch up....
Sunday - My Boyfriends back!! YAY
Monday - I am totally stressed about my visit to the Gyno
Tuesday Morning:
I rolled into the parking lot of the Doctor's office and parked. My Boyfriend was with me. I was ready... I was poorly under funded (I had my fingers crossed that magically the cost was going to go away) but I was ready for anything the Doctor could throw at me. 

I checked in and took a seat. I filled out the ream of medical history questions that goes with all first time visits to a doctor's office and turned it in. The girl behind the counter called my name and started asking all the standard redundant questions. She got to the one about insurance:

"Who is your insurance provider?"
"I don't have insurance"
"Oh well then your office visit fee is half off. Anyone who pays cash gets a 50% discount"
*cricket*

I paid my half-off fee and sat back down next to my boyfriend. It took me a moment to process that bit of info.

I turned to TMABFE (the most awesome boyfriend ever) and said "did you know that they charge insurance companies twice as much as they do cash paying clients?" I was shocked... he was not. Mostly he was not shocked because he is a complete skeptic and doesn't trust anyone any further than he can toss a Higgs Boson.

We bantered back and forth a bit and he handed me the magazine he had brought with him. (I can't remember which one but it was probably Guns and Ammo 'cause he's boss like that). And he says "Don't you hate it when you get a new magazine and all those silly cards fall out?"
"Yeah its totally a waste"
"Here check out this magazine"
"What.... is it full of them?..."

and from the middle of the magazine and into my lap falls a bright yellow envelope; inside is a get well soon card... *sniff* it still makes me tear up a bit when I think about it...

They call my name... I follow the nurse back and go through the SOP.. weight, blood pressure, temp...
then I am walked into a room and given one of those ass-less gowns and told to strip from the waste down. Finally in walks my Gyno... he's the most adorable little white haired dude....

Great... I'm going to get a full service exam from one of my grandfathers friends.. oh and he brought with him a student doc. "see how when I poke right here the muscle tightens up... don't poke there"

I'll spare you all the gory details and skip straight to the great reveal:

Based on my history, the ultra sound, my CBC levels (I had those done at Dr Thankyoucomeagain's) and the fact that my Uterus appears to be just fine; The fabulous Dr GreyGyno deduced that my ovaries have stopped working... not uncommon in a woman going through menopause. Very uncommon in a woman who is 32.

Basically rather than slowly going through the process leading up to menopause during my 40's or 50's I have slammed right through it in less than 6 months at 32... and because of that my uterus went on strike and refused to hold onto any of the endometrium lining it was producing it.

Normally he would just go in and take out everything and then put me on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) but since I am hindered by not having insurance the next best option is to trick my body into thinking that everything is still hunky dory through pills.

First a round of pure estrogen to get me to stop bleeding and then birth control pills to force my body back into a regular hormone cycle. For the first part of that cycle I was going on Commando Dose. Double the normal amount... so rather than taking a single tiny pill in the morning I was taking one in the morning and one at night.

Guess what.... I stopped bleeding and everything was AWESOME! 

Also it turned out I wasn't going to need that biopsy after all.  But it was still a good thing that Mom gave me that money... turned out my medications where not cheap.... over $100.00! Thankfully though I had enough money to fill the gas tank and put food back in the pantry.

The Best Boyfriend EVER!

Saturday rolled around and I had a little text exchange with my mom... Mostly it was me saying "I'm alone and scared.. I need my mommy" (in just about as many words) and she replied with "I've been there for you, I'll be there for you. But I won't let it run my life"

I was stunned.... I wasn't asking her to give up her life (like I did when she was in and out of the hospital and bed-ridden for months) I was just saying that I would have liked her to be home with me that weekend.

My BF was not expected back until the following weekend and I was just completely alone. I felt like a 6 year old in the twilight after bedtime but before you actually fall asleep. I just wanted my mommy.

I called my BF to vent a little and as the phone rang I could feel the tears starting to well up... by the time he picked up and said hello I was sobbing... not like "boo hoo hoo I'm crying and my nose is stuffy" but like "baaaaahhh *hic* waaaaahhhhhh" (think wounded donkey with a speech impediment).

In my head I was saying things like "I can't believe she would say that to me." and "I really need you right now" and "Fuck My Life!" but all it sounded like was the hysterical sobbing of a 30 something woman....

My Boyfriend sat through a few minutes of it and when I paused for a breath he says "Baby, I know you must be really upset right now. But honey I need you to take a moment and calm down. I honestly can't understand a word your saying"

He talked to me for an hour. at the end of the conversation I asked him if it would be at all possible to come back sooner.. maybe before Tuesday.

"Honey, I'm already packing my car. I'll be there tomorrow"

I honestly have the best life partner a girl could ever want, EVER. He kept his word. He was there the next day, and he held me while I sobbed. He didn't try to give me silly platitudes. He just held me and told me over and over that no matter what, he was there for me. That was all I needed.

Lean on me.. oh wait... nevermind

I have mentioned a few times that I live with my Mom. Now don't get me wrong.. my mom is awesome, most of the time. But she suffers from a very common ailment Boy-itis. When my mom doesn't have a boyfriend she is 100% focused on her family and friends. There is nothing she wants more than to help people in need. In short my mom is a SAINT when she is single.

Enter... The Boyfriend... they have ranged in size and personality over the years and the most recent incarnation of The Boyfriend is my favorite... He's fun and considerate and he genuiely enjoys making my mom happy. I like him. A lot.

What I don't like is that once mom goes into "girlfriend-mode" she completely looses her senses. She goes from "I promise that I can be home every Sunday so you don't have to get a babysitter" to "How am I supposed to live my life if you expect me to be home every Sunday" in less than 10 seconds. This is not an exaggeration.. Both of these conversations happened... and they happened less than a month a part.

Mom... *sigh*

So let's get back to the conversation about money... Mom told me that she had $400.00 I could have to help pay for the medical bills... this was on a Thursday. On Friday (the next day) I had my Ultrasound.... I went from $300.00 in my wallet to $175.00. I still had to come up with $390.00 for my biopsy the following Tuesday. (don't forget about gas in the car and food on the table too)

Friday night My mom strolls into the the living room and handed me $100.00

"I'll give you another $100.00 next friday"
"but... but my biopsy is on Tuesday... you said you had $400.00 you could give me.."
"Well I only took $100.00 out of the bank.... I'll give you more later"

I was very much a state of shock....

I sat in said state of shock for a few hours... then mom came back and handed me another $100.00..

"Here that's all I can give you... I'm going out of town this weekend"

that was the end of the conversation...

now... lets do some math:
on hand: $175.00 + from mom: $200.00 = $375.00
$375.00 - medical bills: $390.00 - gas: $40.00 - two weeks of groceries $100.00 = -$155.00

Looks like its time for me to go put on my hooker shoes... momma needs to pay da bills kids....

Money Don't Grow on Trees... and neither does health care.

Damn it all to hell...

I walked out of my doctors office (giggle) with another prescription for progesterone, a referral for an ultto ra sound and a referral to my first REAL doctor in a few years... a Gynecologist who doesn't work for PP (planned parenthood). 

Knowing that I don't have insurance and that I have to pay for all of this out of my pocket I began calling around and getting the pricing on the ultrasound and the biopsy. 

here is what I found out:
Ultrasound: $125.00

Biopsy:
 Office visit: $165.00
 Biopsy: $225.00

Yeah the Gyno wanted me to have an office visit BEFORE I got the biopsy done..

"But Why? If my doctor thinks I need one why can't I just come in and get it done?"
"Because OUR Dr wants to make sure you actually need one"

great... lets see that's $515.00 right at that moment I had $300.00 to my name and I still needed to get gas, groceries, and pay for the after school karate class that I promised my son (and that I have been saving up for).

Have you ever had to sit down and explain to a 6 year old that although you have been promising him for months now that he can take karate classes, you can no longer fulfill your promise? Try it sometime. The disappointment in their eyes will absolutely crush your soul.

I live with my mom... not because I am some loser who doesn't want to leave home but because after I got laid off I could only find a part time job that paid moderately well... not nearly enough to support myself and my son... The option opened up for us to move in with my mom and I jumped... he could live in a good house (rather than a homeless shelter) and go to a good school (or what I thought was a good school) and I would be able to save up some money and hopefully get either a raise or more hours so that I could afford to move out. I told you all this because:

My mom walked in while I am tearfully trying to explain to my son that he didn't do something wrong, but that Mommy is sick and needs to use the money for his karate class so that she can go see a doctor. 

When I was done and had sent my boy off to play in his room my mom says to me:
"sometimes the kids have to sacrifice so that the parents can provide for them"

Then she offered to help me out. She said she had $400.00 I could have to help pay for all this and I wouldn't need to worry. *Phew* I was finally relieved.. a bit...

5 Days Later

5 days after I began taking the progesterone I was worried... my uber heavy flow had lessened but not gone away. What could this mean!?! Why have I been bleeding for over a month now!?!

Because I have to go to a low cost clinic I can not just make an appointment for the next day... sometimes not even for the next week.... I was lucky to get an appointment within a week of finishing the last dose of progesterone. The last day of the progesterone my flow came back with a vengeance!

the flood gates were torn asunder and Moses ran for fucking cover! I began bleeding through a Super Tampon every 45 mins to an hour. This is not an exaggeration I swear.

WAIT A DAMN MINUTE... what has any of this got to do with your gallbladder?

Patience grasshopper... remember this is a journey...

The cramping was terrible and the mood swings were wild and totally unpredictable. I was living in fear of myself and what maybe happening.... 

My family... lets just say that they are not the most supportive of people. With the exception of my youngest sister. She is amazing.. broke like me but amazing... My BF was back in So-Cal (where he lives) during all of this and could only be emotionally supportive.

ok... back to Aunt Flo and her screaming amazonian rampage through my uterus. I go back to Dr Thankyoucomeagain and he basically shrugged his shoulders and said "lets try another round of the pills, if they don't work you need to get an ultra sound and a biopsy of your uterus".

SAY WHAT!?!?!

Jesus Christo.... now I am bleeding like the proverbial stuck pig, taking hormones, raising a 6 year old, juggling work, juggling my other work, juggling yet more work from a different job and I may need a biopsy!?

I'm only 32 years old and when someone starts throwing words around like "hemorrhage" and "menorrhagia" and "biopsy" only one thing comes to mind..... the BIG C

yeah I was totally freaked out. to say the least.