Its Tough

My Anniversary with The Best Boyfriend in the World!! is this weekend. He has big plans which include him cooking a nice uber low fat meal for us.

This makes me so happy and thrilled. He loves me. He loves me enough to do the research to create a nice meal that we can both enjoy.

But deep down inside there is a little part of me (the same part of me that is still hurt that when I was 9 Santa forgot to bring me the Barbie '57 Chevy even though that was the only thing on my list) that is terribly sad that we can't go out to eat at a nice restaurant. As a matter of fact in the days B.G.B.D. (Before GB-Day) I had planned on taking him to a restaurant that I have always wanted to go to. Its been repeatedly voted as the Most Romantic Restaurant in Vegas... but of course this is soooo no longer possible. It turns out that romantic food is FULL of fat.

Heh... Romance is Fattening

I also got news that this new company taking over isn't going to be offering any benefits to anyone until after a 6 month probationary period. meh..... its just another one of those things

Life has this seriously awful habit of kicking me off the ledge. Every time I scramble back up from the bottom, I get my fingers on the ledge and am just ready to pull myself up and then BAM! back down I go....

I finally got my "lady issues" taken care of and then BAM! Gallbladder goes kaplooey
I finally get a light at the end of my tunnel and BAM!! someone comes along and says "NO! you may not see it!"

I still have the open possibility of using the social services health care assistance... my only problem is this: Even if I do get on the program and then go through all the doctor's visits and other completely redundant things that doctors do to prep for scheduling my surgery... then we schedule it.... what happens if it is scheduled for after my 6 month probationary period and then I have company insurance? Will social services refuse to pay? Will the new insurance company require me to go back to square one and get diagnosed by one of their doctors before I can have the surgery? Will I end up in this strange state of flux were social services refuses to pay because I have company insurance and the company insurance denies the claim because it is an "elective" surgery?

and now... of all things....

I think that I am either suffering from depression pretty bad or my hormone levels are off...

no way to tell for sure because:

1. I can not afford the tests needed to rule out the hormones
2. I can not afford to see a licensed psychologist to get head meds if I need them

I cry all the time now... I try to cry alone but its pretty hard to do when the littlest things will make you cry. (ps totally tearing up while I write this because everything makes me sad). I am swinging pretty hard between being normal and being an emotional blubbering idiot.

Sad Kitty understands me

I wish I could be happier about the up coming holidays, but I just can't muster up the verve.