Monday, January 7, 2013

Company Lunches

The new company does this thing they call "First Friday". All the employees come to the main office on the first Friday of each month and are treated to a catered lunch paid for by the company. It is very very cool. I have never worked for a company that is so damned employee oriented... They want you to be happy!

I attended my first one this past friday... Turns out they had the lunch catered by a slider truck.. burgers and fries... I miss burgers and fries.

I felt like a complete tool walking up to a fucking slider truck and asking them if they had a low fat option. COME ON!!! its a damned slider struck!!! everything is supposed to be dripping in grease and yummly fat...

Its really disheartening to watch everyone smilingly put down handfuls of fries. Its torture to watch them absentmindedly lap up the grease that is slowly sliding down their hands and forearms. Its a complete nightmare to hear them ALL to the last baby child say, "MMMM, that was the best damn slider I have ever had."

fuck you people

Really I am not mad at them. Really I am mad at my seriously dysfunctional gallbladder and the terrible healthcare system in America that makes a simple outpatient procedure so damned expensive that I have to jump through more hoops than a Barnum and Bailey Tiger just to find out if I can even have it done.

When I asked for a low fat option I could see the sneer behind the ladies eyes.... the look that says "well good for you fatty for finally making a choice to slim down" I know it well. I see it often. Its another one of the reasons I hate going out to eat. I want so much to shout "I AM NOT ON A DIET YOU FUCKING IDIOT. I am forced to eat like this because my gallbladder is fucked six ways to Sunday and there isn't anything I can do about. I LIKE BEING FAT!!!"


So I was given some chicken thing... all I heard was spicy and chicken.... It came to me in a little Styrofoam container. I moseyed on over to my seat opened up my container and what did my eyes behold... two tiny itty bitty little buns over flowing with lettuce, a few tiny pieces of chicken, a drizzle of hot sauce, and a few gallons of some cream sauce. My gallbladder actually cramped when I saw all that cream sauce... And to top it all off its not like it was just spread on the bun... no... it looks more like the top of the dispenser bottle for this sauce fell off and my little chicken sandwiches went swimming in it. There was absolutely no way to just scrape it off.

I teared up. I had to take a few minutes to compose myself. The very last thing I want is 80 people to get the first impression that food makes the fat girl cry. I bowed my head and closed my eyes and started chanting in my head "do not cry" I am sure it just looked like I was praying... fine let them think that I am some sort of uber faithful person.

Then I steeled my reserve and I ate the damn things. My Boss who is not fooled by my being pious and was sitting right next to me. Asked me if I was going to be ok... I told her, "Well in 15-20 minutes I'll either be begging you to take me to the hospital or I'll be shitting my brains out. Either way the rest of today is going to suck."

Turns out I didn't go to the hospital. I did however require a few doses of extra strength Tylenol and many many many trips to the restroom.

I fucking hate my life right now

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